INTRODUCTION: marriage is God’s idea; focus on Eph 5:18-33; Christian understanding of marriage: lifelong, monogamous relationship between a man and a woman; cannot be realized by two people of the same sex

1. SECRET OF MARRIAGE: those who live together before marriage are more likely to break up after marriage (exact cause is not clear); most divorce happens to those who 1) marry before 18 2) dropped out of highschool 3) had a baby before marriage; source: http://www.stateofourunions.org/; marriage has surprising economic benefits (<- married people experience greater physical & mental health, marriage: “shock absorber”, spouses hold each other accountable -> savings, investment, delayed gratification); ~60% of married people are happy in their marriages; 2/3 of unhappy marriages will become happy within 5 years of people stay married and do not get divorced; being married & growing up with parents who are married are key factor to well-being; pessimism about marriage due to new kind of unrealistic idealism; view shifted from permanent union to sexual contact; main goal: self-actualization, individual growth, satisfaction (not about us but about me) -> unrealistic expectations: finding the “perfect soul mate” who is “compatible” (=sexually attractive & doesn’t want to change me); traditionally marriage is the place where men became truly masculine; extreme idealism leads to pessimism & putting off marriage; young adults developed inner voice that instantly spots a fatal flaw in any potential mate -> excuse to stay alone; marriage based on self-fulfillment not self-denial; quest for compatibility: impossible; fact: we always marry the wrong person; marriage profoundly changes us; no evidence that non-monogamous relationships are better than monogamous ones; husbands are supposed to give themselves up just like Jesus did for the church -> marriage is not oppressive; answer to dilemma between denying yourself for the family self-fulfillment: mutual fulfillment through mutual sacrifice; secret to marriage: gospel - it gives the power & pattern for marriage
2. POWER FOR MARRIAGE: be filled with the Holy Spirit; submit to one another; servant: puts someone else’s needs ahead of his own; main barrier to develop servant heart: self-centeredness; “love economics”: you can only be generous (to your wife) if you have “money” to give (from the Spirit); serving one another instead of being happy leads to a deeper happiness; reason for not seeing self-centeredness: wounds from parents (not necessarily physical); essence of sin: living for ourselves; solution: commitment from each spouse to “give yourself up”; problem with conservative approach (husband: head of the family, wife needs to submit to husband): overemphasis could encourage selfishness, especially on the part of the husband [<-> just because a statement can can be “overemphasized” it doesn’t mean it’s false or that the opposite of the statement should be overemphasized]; fear of the Lord: not to be scared but overwhelmed with wonder; woman: rest in the righteousness of Christ instead of fruitlessly pursuing to have a family [<-> it is a God-given, healthy desire to have a family! it is not idolatry! this is a sign of Buddhism: the problem is with your desires, therefore you need to let go of them]; story of forgiveness: Louie Zamperini, forgave to his tormentors;
3. ESSENCE OF MARRIAGE: marriage is not just a piece of paper but sacrificial commitment to the good of the other; more fundamentally action than emotion; unites feeling and duty, passion and promise; consumer vs covenant relationships; marriage: both vertical & horizontal covenant (Gen 2:24); “cleave”: unite to someone through a covenant, a binding promise or oath; wedding vow: not a declaration of present love but mutually binding promise of future love; 2/3 of unhappy marriages will become happy within 5 years if people stay married and don’t get divorced; public oath keeps you “tied to the mast” (~Ulysses traveling to island of Sirens); promise: key to identity, essence of marital love, means to freedom (creates small sanctuary of trust within the jungle of unpredictability); Kirkegaard: aesthetic life (controlled by external circumstances) vs ethical life (based on commitment); you must feel love to give it -> mistake!; action of love will enhance & establish the feeling;
4. MISSION OF MARRIAGE: ‘ezer: helper-companion, friend (Songs 5:16); signs of real friendship: constancy, transparency, common passion (“sympathy”); friendship must be about something else; any two Christians can have robust friendship through common faith in Christ [is there any example of the Bible between one man and one woman that were close friends but not married?]; marriage can add the power of romantic love; spouse is “best friend” (see ‘allup in Prov 2:17) [<-> in most cases ‘allup means “chief”, “captain”]; your spouse should be your best friend [<-> is there any example for this in the bible? / author assumes nuclear family - husband & wife - is a complete unit, gives no consideration of wider community / society]; screen potential spouses for friendship first only then for romance; if you prioritize beauty (in women) or wealth (in men) over friendship, you are setting yourself up for loneliness; if your spouse is not your best friend you will need pursuits outside of marriage to engage your whole soul - eg network of close friends - and this is deadly [<-> why is it deadly to pursue male friendships? did David commit a deadly sin to develop friendship with Jonathan instead of his wives???]; man cleaves to his wife (Gen 2:24) [<-> this is not about friendships but marital faithfulness and prioritizing own family over parental relationships]; problem: overcommitment to parents (it children); children shouldn’t be expected to give you the friendship and love that a spouse can [<-> spouse cannot give male friendship to a man]; marriage ~ salvation -> supremacy of Christ ~ supremacy of spouse; Jesus asks for nothing any spouse doesn’t ask for [<-> yes he does, eg worship]; once you are married, marriage has to take priority [<-> yes, but male friendships are still essential to grow as a man]; key to giving this priority is spiritual friendship;
5. LOVING THE STRANGER: we never know whom we marry -> primary problem: learning to love the stranger you find yourself married -> speaking the truth in love (Eph 4:15); marriage brings out the worst of you (~ truck reveals structural defects of a bridge); Great Problem of marriage: the person whose approval you long for the most is the same person who is most hurt by your sins; both truth & love is needed -> solution: grace;
6. EMBRACING THE OTHER: sexes: equal in dignity and worth, but complementary; Gen 2:18: “help”: make up what is lacking in man, “suitable”: literally: ‘like opposite’; men equally need to submit to their gender roles as “servant-leaders”; Jesus redefined authority all authority as servant-authority (when washing his disciples feet - Jn 13:12-16); feminist studies arguing for irreducible gender differences (man/woman: gift of independence/interdependence, sending/receiving, looking outward/inward, initiate/nurture, prone to hypermasculinity/hyperfemininity as well as rejecting masculinity/femininity); denying these differences ultimately devalue women (dominant male behavior is set as standard for both sexes); homosexual love: easier to dealing with someone of a different sex; marriage: embracing the Other (~ Jesus embraced sinful humanity); God’s warning: sin will lead men to try to dominate women (Gen 3:16) -> important to find a truly servant-leader; husband had ultimate responsibility and authority in the family but Bible has no details on how that is expressed in concrete behavior;
7. SINGLENESS AND MARRIAGE: both being married and not being married are good conditions to be in (1Cor 7:29-31); Christianity: first religion too hold up singleness as viable way of life; gospel de-idolized marriage; message of Christian singles: future not guaranteed by family but by God <-> for Westerns churches singleness is plan B for the Christan life; there is still pressure to marry both in Western and non-Western cultures; both can make singleness as a subhuman condition; marriage is penultimate: points to Real Marriage; “if singles learn to rest in and rejoice in their marriage to Christ, that means they will be able to handle single life without a devastating sense of being unfulfilled and unformed. And they might as well tackle this spiritual project right away. Why? Because the same idolatry of marriage that is distorting their single lives will eventually distort their married lives if they find a partner. So there’s no reason to wait. Demote marriage and family in your heart, put God first, and begin to enjoy the goodness of single life.”; answer to male/female incompleteness: Christian community; Christian identity tops everything else (racial, national identity); Christians see singleness as good because our union with Christ can fulfill our deepest longings [<-> Adam had close relationship with God yet he was still alone]; Christians singles look for good looks & financial status -> signs of being shaped by the culture’s idolatry of sexual beauty and money [<-> or simply God-given natural desires, which despite having been marred by the fall, still not inherently sinful]; Christians should marry other Christians (1Cor 7:39, 2Cor 6:14)
8. SEX AND MARRIAGE: views of sex: 1) unavoidable drive 2) necessary evil 3) form of self-expression; Christian sex ethic: sex is for use within marriage between a man and woman; marriage covenant is necessary for sex but sex is also necessary for the maintenance of the covenant; sex without marriage ~ tasting food without swallowing & digesting (C. S. Lewis); sex: sign of good marriage; lack of sexual intimacy: often sign of deeper problems;

EPILOGUE: George Herbert: Love (III)