1. WHAT IS ANGER? anger = response to frustrating situation; originates from God’s holiness & love; Bible never says: “God is anger” but he does experience it; anger: response to perceived injustice/wrong; anger is not sinful but evidence of being made in God’s image; “A man is about as big as the things that make him angry.” (Winston Churchill)

2. PURPOSE OF ANGER purpose of anger: motivates us to take constructive action in the face of injustice; eg God’s call to repentance; anger ~ red light flashing on dash of car

3. RESPONSE TO ANGER is my response 1) positive? 2) loving? steps to respond to anger: 1) consciously acknowledge to yourself that you are angry: say it out loud; 2) restrain your immediate response: count out loud to 1000, leave the scene if necessary, take a walk; eg. “time out” in marriage for a short while; “Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret” (Ambrose Bishop) 3) locate the focus of your anger: rate seriousness from 1 to 10; 4) analyze your options: is it positive? is it loving? two Christian approaches: a) forbearance: overlooking & releasing anger to God -> sometimes this is the best option, eg. aging parents Rom 12:19; b) loving confrontation: rebuke=”to set a weight upon”; not verbal abuse; write it down before you say it; purpose: not to condemn but to restore relationship; 5) take constructive action: forgiveness may not restore trust; confrontation doesn’t always result in reconciliation; we can’t make others repent

4. DISTORTED ANGER anger can be distorted when wrongdoing is not real just perceived (eg. Naaman); you need time to decide if anger is valid or not -> restrain your immediate response; what wrong was committed? am I sure I have all the facts?; personality traits are not evil (eg. not organized)

5. HANDLING BAD ANGER handling “bad” anger: 1) share information and your concern (focus on the situation not the person) 2) gather information 3) negotiate understanding (express your struggles and listen to other’s response) 4) request change (don’t demand it and don’t manipulate)

6. EXCLUSIVE & IMPLOSIVE ANGER explosive anger: never constructive, destroys self-esteem; implosive anger: also destructive but in the inside, characterized by denial, withdrawal and brooding; internalized anger destroys body and psyche until denial is no longer possible; passive-aggressive behavior: being passive on the outside but anger emerges in other ways, can lead to a vicious cycle in a marriage; suppressed anger leads to physiological and psychological stress; brooding: wrongdoing played over and over ~ videotape without processing anger; “Anger was designed to be a visitor, never a resident, in the human heart.”

7. LONG-TERM ANGER “How much more grievous are the consequences of anger than the causes of it.” (Marcus Aurelius); long-time unresolved anger can lead to depression; resolving anger != rebuilding relationships; steps dealing with long-term anger: 1) make a list of significant wrongs done to you over the years 2) analyze how you responded to each event or person 3) if the person is no longer living or available to reconcile, release your anger toward them to God 4) for those still living, decide whether to seek reconciliation or “let the offense go” 5) if you decide to reconcile, bring a trusted third party 6) seek forgiveness

8. FORGIVENESS God’s forgiveness towards us: model for us (Eph 4:32); no repentance -> no reconciliation; Jesus’ prayer on the cross (Lk 23:34) was answered only later during Pentecost through Peter’s sermon (Acts 2:22-24); cool down before rebuking & be careful but to sin; if person repents, we are to forgive, we begin the process of rebuilding trust; consequences can still remain (eg broken leg); forgiveness doesn’t remove all painful emotions either; forgiveness: not a feeling but commitment to accept the person in spite of what he or she has done; if no repentance: invite trusted friends, share with larger community (Mt 18:15-17); all sin brings separation; no biblical evidence of God forgiving unrepentant sinners; if no repentance, treat him as pagan (pray for them, be kind to them but do not treat them as innocent); do not encourage Christians to forgive unrepentant offenders; don’t take revenge, it belongs to God (Rom 12:19; 2Tim 4:14-15; 1Pt 2:23); confess any of your own sin; pray to release anger; it may not restore the fellowship but will liberate you to move on and use your time and energy constructively

9. ANGER IN MARRIAGE *“The greatest remedy for anger is delay.” (Seneca) all married couples experience anger but few learn how to proceed it productively; love and uncontrolled anger cannot coexist -> if the couple do not learn how to properly handle anger they will never have a satisfying marriage; anger agreements in marriage: 1) acknowledge reality of your anger (it is not sinful per se) 2) agree to acknowledge anger to each other (don’t let the other having to guess) 3) agree to avoid verbal/physical explosions 4) agree to seek an explanation before jumping to conclusions 5) agree to seek resolution/reconciliation 6) agree to affirm love to one another; exercise: if you are angry, write the following words on a card: “I’m feeling angry right now, but don’t worry. I’m not going to attack you. But I do need your help. Is it a good time to talk?”

10. ANGRY CHILDREN: help children manage their anger: 1) meet your child’s need for emotional love (-> 5 love languages); you can affirm them even if you don’t agree with their behavior; unconditional love teaches responsibility (more likely to respond to requests/commands); the message your children need to hear & feel is: “I love you no matter what you do. I don’t always like what you do or agree with what you do, but I will always love you.”; how did your parents handle anger?; often children mirror what they learn from their parents (good news: they can learn good patterns too); don’t expect your children to handle anger maturely until you teach them how to; behavioral expressions: (-) pushing, beating, throwing (+) leaving the room, count out loud, take a walk outside; verbal expressions: (-) yell, scream, use bad words (+) acknowledge anger to parent, ask for opportunity to discuss; don’t expect perfection from your child (eg. “Don’t ever raise your voice at me again. Do you understand?”); “My parents yell and scream at me, telling me not to yell and scream at them.”; if child is screaming: listen, calmly ask questions and let the anger be expressed; concentrate on the reason of his anger not the way he’s expressing it; don’t let the delivery method keep you from getting the message; as parents become better listeners, their children feel more understood; response to negative behavior: “I can see you are very angry. I would like to hear what’s bothering you, but we can’t talk while you are … Would you like to take a walk and talk about it?”; you need to learn to properly manage your own anger first; passive-aggressive behavior: child’s anger can be internalized & express itself in other areas (eg low grades); child’s anger may be distorted too; giving instructions (only works if foundation of love is set) reading Bible stories about anger (Cain & Abel, Joseph’s brothers, Jonah), memorize Scripture about anger, discuss this book, share your own struggles; honesty is better than knowing it all; confess your sins to your child if you lost your temper; best ways to teach your children positive anger management: 1) positive parental model 2) loving parental guidance 3) non-condemning instructions

11. ANGER AT GOD: Job; feeling angry at God is not sinful -> question is how we handle it; “why didn’t God do something?” -> no freedom without the possibility of evil; “why didn’t God take better care of his children?” - our perspectives are limited; handling anger to God: 1) bring your anger to God (he won’t be surprised) 2) listen to God’s message (eg Elijah, “quiet whisper” -> friend, sermon, book); listening not always leads to understanding but it helps to accept the situation; 3) report for duty for the next assignment from God

12. ANGER AT SELF: not loving up to our own expectations; violating own Christian values; neither explosion (suicide attempts) not implosion (self-condemnation) is a healthy response; steps to process: 1) admit your anger (to yourself, to a friend) 2) examine anger (is it valid or distorted? eg hitting your thumb with a hammer is not immoral) 3) confess wrongdoing to God and accept His forgiveness (and any offended parties) 4) choose to forgive yourself (pain/consequences might remain) 5) focus on positive actions (learn from your mistake)

13. CONFRONTING ANGER: responding to angry people: 1) listen (ask him to tell his story) 2) listen (after you listened to his story, ask further clarifying questions) 3) listen (scraping up details, making sure you get the whole story, listening paves the way to understanding and helps him calm down, listening also respects his right to be angry) 4) seek to understand his plight (would I be angry in the same situation?) 5) express understanding of the other person’s anger 6) share additional information (details he might not be aware of - sharing too early isn’t helpful) 6) confession and restitution (ask for forgiveness if anger is valid); don’t try to put a cap on his anger (“if you can’t talk to me without yelling, then shut up and go to your room”); don’t try to mirror his behavior (yelling back at him)

AFTERWORD: anger at the heart of who we are; “tell me what you are angry about, and I will tell you what is important to you”