Douglas Wilson: Future Men: Raising Boys to Fight Giants, 2nd ed. (2012)

  • Cover art: La Lutte (wrestling), Emile Friant, 1889
  • Dedicated to daughter-in-law
  • Acknowledgement: Five Aspects of Man study course by William and Barbara Mouser https://www.fiveaspects.com/

Introduction

  • As much as it may distress us, our boys are future men.
  • Biblical doctrine requires faith but not just in heavenly things (→ gnosticism)
  • Faith of father:

    The faith exhibited by wise parents of boys is the faith of a farmer, or a sculptor, or anyone else engaged in the work of shaping unfolding possibilities. It is not the faith of someone waiting around for lightening to strike; it is the faith of someone who looks at the present and sees what it will become—through grace and good works. (p. 9-10)

  • Examples:

    Countless examples may be multiplied from any given day in the life of a small boy. Say a boy breaks a chair because he was jumping on it from the bunk bed. Unbelief sees the cost of replacing the chair. Faith sees aggressiveness and courage, both of which obviously need to be directed and disciplined. Suppose a boy gets into a fight protecting his sister. Unbelief sees the lack of wisdom that created a situation that could have been easily avoided; faith sees an immature masculinity that is starting to assume the burden of manhood.

  • If boys don’t learn, men won’t know. And boys will not learn unless their fathers teach.
  • Theodore Roosevelt:

    When Theodore Roosevelt was at Harvard, he taught Sunday school for a time at Christ Church, until he was dismissed over an issue related to this. A boy showed up one Sunday with a black eye. He admitted he had been fighting, and on a Sunday too. He told the future president that a bigger boy had been pinching his sister, and so he fought him. TR told him that he had done perfectly right and gave him a dollar. The vestrymen thought this was a bit much, and so they let their exuberant Sunday school teacher go.

  • Sin is parasitic and cannot function without some good attributes that it seeks to corrupt. Consequently, faith must distinguish that which must be preserved and developed and that which must be abandoned because of the sin. (p. 11)

  • So faith is central in bringing up boys, but it is important to remember that the object of faith is not the boy. It is faith in God, faith in His promises, faith in His wisdom.

Understanding Future Men

1. The Shape of Masculinity

  1. Lords:
    • Exercise dominion in the earth
    • Gen 1:26-28
    • Learn to be adventurous and visionary
  2. Husbandmen:
    • Settle down after conquest
    • Gen 2:15
    • Learn to be patient, careful and hard-working.
  3. Saviors:
    • Desire to deliver or save
    • Gen 3:14-15
    • Essential for boys to play with wooden swords and plastic guns

    • The Christian faith is in no way pacifistic. The peace that will be ushered in by our great Prince will be a peace purchased with blood. As our Lord sacrificed Himself in this war, so must His followers learn to do. (p. 16)

    • Learn to be strong, sacrificial, courageous and good
  4. Sage:
    • Man with great wisdom
    • Prov 1-9: wisdom is a woman who disciplines boys
    • Do not pit one aspect of masculinity (eg. loving outdoors) against another (eg. loving poetry)
    • Learn to be teachable, studious, and thoughtful.
  5. Glory-bearers:
    1. Men are the glory of God
    2. 1 Cor 11:7
    3. Head of every man is Christ, head of every woman is man (1 Cor 11:3; Eph 5:23-24)
    4. Distinctions are not to compete with each other (eg. glory of sun vs moon)
    5. Learn to be representative, responsible, and holy

2. Effeminacy and Biblical Masculinity.

Molding Future Men

  • Current culture: feminine, effeminate
  • Two (wrong) reactions to biblical masculinity:
    1. Effeminacy: boy strives for virtues that are not supposed to be his virtues
      • Generalizations are necessary (Jesus condemned Pharisees in general even if there were exceptions)
      • Boys do not know how to distinguish what should be mocked in effeminate boys and what must be honored in girls
      • Difference between masculinity and femininity is not simply “outdoors” and “indoors”
      • Stereotypes help us appreciate traditional wisdom
    2. Macho-like counterfeit masculinity: boy strives for pseudo-virtues that are not virtues at all
      • True masculinity accepts responsibility, period, false masculinity only accepts it for success
      • Refusal to make excuses is right at the heart of biblical masculinity
      • Boys must learn to say regularly that they were wrong when they were wrong (normal response should be: “No excuse, sir”)
      • In turn, acceptance of responsibility should be accepted
      • Males will necessarily be dominant, the only question is whether it will be constructive or destructive
  • Trying to correct imbalance without becoming imbalanced is hard
  • Do exactly what God said - not what you assume he said
  • Goal is perfection, not perfectionism
  • We counter perfectionism with obedience

3. A Call for Fathers

  • Boys threatened from within (sinful temptations) and outside (culture hostile to the very idea of masculinity)
  • Boys must be protected from outside threat while they are being trained to protect themselves
  • Wise father disciplines (Prov 3:12)
  • Fruit of discipline: joy (Prov 10:1) ↔ many “disciplinarians” do it out of irritation
  • Be wise in using strength (disproportionate, unjust response, “never good enough” attitude is why many strong fathers to have weak sons)
  • Point of discipline: not retaliation but tracing him
  • Focus of godly discipline: cultural mandate (Gen 1:28)
  • Repeated after the Fall to Noah (Gen 9:1-3) → sin affected our ability to fulfill it but didn’t alter the obligation
  • Essential part of cultural mandate: training for marriage
  • Love is central duty of husband, respect is central duty of wife
  • Fathers who discipline must themselves be under discipline
  • Need for fathers:

    This is a great need in the Christian church today—we have a dearth of genuine fathers. We have males who have begotten more males, but we do not have many true fathers. Many men who should now be training their boys to be men are not yet men themselves. The gauntlet which their boys need to run is a gauntlet which they themselves failed to run. The battle their sons face is a battle which they once faced, and lost. Because of this, many of the lessons about masculinity contained in Scripture must first be internalized by the fathers. Such men must learn to be men themselves before they can teach their boys to be men. (p. 32)

4. A Covenant Home

  • Danger of growing up in believing household: obedience to God can be postponed
  • Covenant: solemn bond, sovereignly administered, includes blessings and curses
  • Continuity of the covenants over generations are important to understand
  • First great task of parents: bring up children within the covenant so their children feel lifelong loyalty to it
  • Children of at least one believing parent are considered saints (1 Cor 7:14)

  • A son does not have to join the covenant; the sovereign God has already joined him to the covenant people of God by placing him in a believing home. Of course, such a boy must have what we might call evangelical faith in order to maintain his covenantal membership. But he does not have to prove himself in order to join the covenant. When parents accept and believe this, they bring up their sons to believe, rather than teaching them to doubt. (p. 39)

  • Sinful assumptions of covenant homes:
    • Ignorance and laziness: assuming you already know everything
    • Presumption and boasting:
      • Covenantal presumptions: thinking you are a permanent branch on the olive tree just because you parents are (Rom 11:13-24), esp. in paedobaptist homes
      • Covenant doubts: thinking God requires you to wait until you are older to serve him from your heart (Eph 6:1-3), esp. in baptistic homes
    • Other form of presumption: “Thunder puppies” (Lk 9:54-55): know-it-all characters who boast about nonexistent accomplishments
  • Covenant home should not only guard against these but prepare sons for war

5. Doctrinal Meat

  • Kingdom of God: not divided
  • Bible knows no alienation between generations
  • When a society stands, the whole society stands. When it falls, everyone in it falls with it. (P44)
  • Young men exhorted to be sober-minded (Tit 2:6-8) in the following areas:
    • Doctrinal integrity
    • Reverence
    • Incorruptibility
    • Sounds speech
  • Christian worldview: framework of assumptions about reality in submission to Christ (2 Cor 10:3-6) ↔ not just a worldview held by a Christian
  • Basic framework: gospel, which brings individuals into a covenant relationship with God
  • Two important aspects of Christian theology:
    • Sovereignty of God: God controls everything
      • Difference between decretive will of God(heads or tails - Prov 16:33) and moral will of God
      • Avoid the errors of both hyper-Calvinism and Arminianism
      • In response, boys need to learn humility and boldness
      • Humility without boldness is effeminate, boldness without humility is destructive
    • Optimistic future: the meek will inherit the earth → Christian faith is a religion of world conquest
      • Meekness is toward God not toward men
      • Example of Jesus (Mt 11:29): his gentleness is not inconsistent with strength
      • Meekness toward God means we must have a teachable spirit
      • Meekness toward God is strength on earth
      • Meekness is not weakness before man; it is submission to God
      • Meekness toward others mean we must refuse to be provoked by others (Ps 38:12-13) and forgive others (Mt 6:12)
      • Jesus didn’t say “they will inherit the earth when they die”
      • OT prophesies of coming off glorious Christian era (Ps 22:27-28)
      • Remember that weapons are not carnal or political
  • Boys are built for battle, and they must be trained up to it. (P51)

Future Men Against Themselves

6. Secret Sin, Tolerated Sin

  • Godly parents can’t afford ignoring secret sins in their son’s life
  • Secret sin: built on a false theology of God
    • Secret sin is only temporarily secret (Lk 12:1-3)
    • Secret sin grows (2 Sam 11:3-4,14-15)
    • Secret sin effects others too (Josh 7:1)
    • To receive God’s mercy, do exactly what he says - including full and honest confession
  • Open sin: tolerated
    • Talking a lot (Prov 10:19)
    • Speaking hastily (Prov 18:2)
    • Fathers must hold their sons accountable
    • Be quick to listen, slow to speak (Prov 29:20)

7. Laziness and Hard Labor

  • Boys tend to be lazy → they need to be taught and disciplined in physical labor
  • Difference between worldly self-esteem (Gal 6:3) and biblical self-respect (Gal 6:4-5)
  • Laziness leads to life of frustration (Prov 13:4)
  • Laziness takes away sabbath rest too
  • Lazy boys in the community become a negative object lesson
  • Laziness is disgrace (Prov 10:4-5):
    • No continuity: it has no follow-through (Prov 12:27)
    • Full of excuses (Prov 22:13)
    • Foolishness: full of purported “wisdom” (Prov 14:23-24)
    • Irritation to others (Prov 10:26)
    • Has compounding effect (Prov 19:15)
  • The Word of God is the only solution to self-deception (Jas 1:24-25)
  • The Lord identifies with honest work (Prov 16:11)
  • There is sweetness in the beginning of dishonesty and deception but the end is calamity (Prov 9:16-18)
  • Laziness is counterproductive: it doesn’t accomplish the desired end (Prov 12:24)

8. Money Paths and Traps

  • Always, we must turn to the Word
  • Wealth is good (Prov 8:21) and it must be sought God’s way:
    • Fear Him (Prov 22:4)
    • Be generous (Prov 11:25)
    • Work hard (Prov 14:23)
  • Young man has to learn:
    • Importance of savings
    • Delay gratification
    • Provide for others (Prov 13:22)
    • Be wary of borrowing (Prov 22:7)
    • Financial perspective
    • Salvation is more important (Prov 11:4)
    • Integrity is far more important (Prov 28:6)
    • Sensible woman is worth far more than wealth (Prov 19:14)
    • Low blood pressure is important too (Prov 23:4)
  • Young men have to learn not to throw away money by:
    • Luxury (Prov 19:10)
    • Frivolity (Prov 28:19-22): eg. spending weekend watching videos
    • Gluttony (Prov 21:20)
    • Sleep (Prov 20:13)
    • Sex (Prov 5:10)
    • Dishonesty (Prov 20:10)
  • Two kinds of work:
    • Chores: pull his fare share
    • Additional work: should be paid
  • Teach son to set aside money for:
    • Tithe (10%)
    • Savings (20%)
    • Generosity (20%)
    • Enjoy the rest
  • Can start early (2 year old grandson receives 10 cents every evening before bed → sets aside tithe for the Lord’s day)

9. Christian Liberty

  • Freedom in Christ:
    • From sin
    • To holiness ↔ not to do whatever we want!
  • Purpose of liberty:
    • To serve one another in love
    • Not self-centeredness!

  • When a son asks to able to do this or that, a very reasonable question is why? And when these “debatable matters” are under discussion and lead to pointed questions, the answer is almost never, “Because I want to be holy.” (p. 80)

  • Christian liberty = slavery to God

  • But with all this said, wine was given to gladden the heart of man (Ps 104:15), and one of the duties a father has is that of teaching his son to drink. (p. 81)

Future Men with Others

10. Mom and Sisters

  • As the head of the home, the father is responsible to know the spiritual state of the home, how each member is doing in his relationship with God, and how they are all doing with one another. A father needs to know the state of his flock (Prov. 27:23). (p. 83)

  • Father needs to teach his wife about her son: respect and toughness
  • Respect:
    • One who respects and consequently expects
    • Must see small boys as future men
    • Must distinguish between godly service (cooking meals) and ungodly service (enabling lazy son)
    • Father can discipline son while remembering (he was also a young boy) but mother can’t → she needs husband’s perspective to aim correctly
    • When mother gets annoyed with son she is teaching him how to manipulate her
  • Boys need to get “knocked down” (=establish lines of authority)
  • Father must ensure that boys respect and honor their mother
  • Emotional closeness can be manipulative if it ignores sin
  • Toughness:

    • … instilling toughness in boys is extraordinarily important. A masculine toughness is the only foundation upon which a masculine tenderness may be safely placed. Without a concrete foundation, thoughtfulness, consideration, and sensitivity in men are simply gross. So mothers must take particular care against allowing some of their feminine strengths to be the occasion of stumbling for their sons. Three things are necessary as mothers consider this. The first is that she should talk regularly with her husband about her sons and her relationship with them. … Secondly, she must have the respect and obedience of her sons. … Third, she must never subsidize her sons’ laziness. (p. 87-88)

  • Manners
    • Means for disciplining & directing strength and showing & receiving honor

    • The heart of masculinity involves the willing assumption of an appropriately assigned responsibility. Manners for boys should be in line with this and not contradict it. (p. 89)

    • Example: all men (including young boys) stand around dinner table until all the ladies are seated
    • Manners is not something imposed on boys by women but taught by men for the sake of honoring & protecting women
    • Three categories of manners & customs:
      1. Distinguish between men and women → highest priority (men seating women at dinner table, opening and holding doors etc)
      2. Thinking of comfort and possession of others (not putting feet on coffee table)
      3. Personal presentation (dressing, eating)

11. Church and Worship

  • Feminine piety has become the norm
  • Standards of morality is the same between sexes but their expression is not

  • Masculine worship does not exclude women in the same way that feminine worship excludes men. Women flourish when men take spiritual responsibility. Men wither or stay away when women lead in the church. So the church is not a men’s club—men, women, children and babies gather before the Lord together. Masculine worship is not worship for men; it is worship in which men fulfill their responsibilities to others. As a result of masculine leadership, women and children are free to contribute to the worship rightly. But they do so because men have taken responsibility. (p. 94)

  • Church: corporately feminine (bride of Christ)
  • Book: The Church Impotent by Leon Podles: False Western notion: Individual piety must reflect corporate reality (→ individual men must try to learn to think like a bride)
  • Children are not to be automatically excluded from public worship of God (Joel 2:16); at the same time they were not universally included in public worship either (Neh 8:1-3)
  • Purpose of education:

    Parents are involved in the work of teaching and educating their sons, whether at home or at school. They are not doing this because they think it would be “nice” if their sons were educated. They do it because God requires it of them. The reason sons must be educated is that, first, they must be given access to the Word of God (learning how to read), and secondly, they must be taught how to meditate and study (learning how to think about what is read). So the first thing sons should make sure to do is to work hard and honestly at their school work— even when they do not see the connection between school and the Word of God. There is a connection, and if they work hard at their studies, they will one day grow wise enough to see that connection. (p. 98)

  • Greatest temptation for children grown up in the church: to assume they know more than they do
  • Sacraments: also important
  • Music: one of the chief culprits in the feminization of the church (churches abandoned singing of psalms ↔ writer of most psalms was a warrior)

12. Giants, Dragons, and Books

  • Gospel: story of dragon-fight (Gen 3:1,15; Rev 20:2) ↔ we have reduced it to four basic steps toward personal happiness
  • Our God is a great warrior who fights dragons
  • Giant-killing: motif throughout Scripture
  • Christian faith: religion of world conquest
  • Book suggestions: Narnia, Lord of the Rings

  • I did not get to Middle Earth until high school, but I saw to it that my children were introduced to The Lord of the Rings much earlier than I had been. I would read to the family in the evening, and it was frequently the case that I was not permitted to stop and had to read for three or four hours at a stretch. The first time I read through the trilogy to the kids my son was a two-year-old, and he sat and listened quite patiently. We were not sure how much he was getting, but during the battle scenes, his cheeks would get hot. (p. 105)

13. School Work

  • Threat of traditional schools:

    Traditional schools pose a particular kind of threat to masculinity. If a school is not careful, they will actively suppress the qualities in their male students which go into the making of a leader. Because of the very nature of institutions, conformity and discipline is of course required. This by itself is not at all a threat to the masculinity of boys—conformity and discipline are also found in the Navy Seals. But in a sexually-integrated school, boys and girls are disciplined together, and frequently the discipline is applied to the older boys by women teachers. In many schools, the entire teaching staff is made up of women. The presence of women teachers is not necessarily a problem, but the absence of male teachers most certainly is. But we have to be careful because the presence of male teachers (in the presence of women) can create another kind of problem for the male students. Such sexual integration does not create an automatic capitulation to effeminacy, but it most certainly does create a ready occasion for it. Schools with boys and girls together can avoid this problem, but they cannot avoid it apart from prayer, study, and discriminating discipline. Put another way, schools which do not think about this problem will have this problem in spades. (p. 109)

  • Girls: tend to be more “friendly” to institutions & go the extra mile to please their teachers (”Put simply, the girls do not color outside the lines.” (p. 110))
  • Self-respecting boys:

    any institution will get more of what it subsidizes and less of what it penalizes. It it acknowledges and rewards boys who act like girls, it will get more of them, much to the disgust of the self-respecting boys. The self-respecting boys include many who are not at all discipline problems, but who are not about to do what it takes to receive the approbation of the school. That would require becoming a wuss. (p. 110)

  • School staff:

    When boys are being taught by a staff which is largely composed of women, effeminacy can unwittingly be encouraged. The women expect boys to receive discipline in the same way that the women received it when they were girls. … In addition, I mentioned above that the presence of male teachers, although it provides young men with a role model, can create its own unique problem. On the up side, the older boys do have a role model in a male teacher. But the male teacher also has competition from the older boys—competition for the respect of the girls present. Tragically, there are male teachers who do not see this temptation, and who consequently fail as teachers of the young men, They are not really teachers in a classroom filled with young men and women, but are more like a bull elk with a herd containing (for the present) some younger, weaker males. But the younger bulls are growing, and conflict is inevitable. (p. 111)

  • “Good” students:

    The boys who are “good students,” according to this kind of teacher, are boys who ask “will that be on the test?” kind of questions. And the boys who actually probe and question, the boys who are future leaders, are treated as a problem. After a while they just shut up, and count the days until graduation. (p. 112)

  • Physical force:

    Institutions will often have a rule that says, in effect, that physical force is never required. The dictum is that it takes a real man to walk away from a fight. And, while this is frequently quite true, it is not universally true. There are times when a boy should fight, and the wisdom which recognizes this is rarely found within institutional walls. (p. 112)

  • Political correctness:

    There is also pressure in today’s politically-correct environment to exclude white male leaders from the curriculum as role models from history. This pressure is by no means absent from Christian schools, and the administration of any school that wants to make a difference in the world, and which wants some future men among their alumni, must resolve to stand against this pressure. (p. 112)

  • Homeschooling:

    Just as a school has to take certain steps to nurture masculinity, so every homeschool has to do the same. Because the circumstances are different, the steps they take will be different. But action is necessary in both situations. (p. 113)

  • Domestic environment:

    A boy who is homeschooled all the way through is growing up in a domestic, feminine environment. His sisters are being educated in a setting for which they are constitutionally suited. A boy, on the other hand, after his stint as a little boy, has his eye on the world outside. He was created to serve God out there in the world, and his education should be equipping him for it. But past a certain point, his mother is not equipped to provide this for him. Wise homeschoolers address this through the fathers’s involvement in the education, vocational apprenticeships outside the home, sports competition, and so forth. But if such steps are not taken, and the boy grows up a homeboy without any training on how to become a man, the results can be pretty tragic. (p. 113)

  • Education:

    Education is teleological; it is directed to the end for which God made us. Because God made us for different purposes, men and women should be educated differently. … Sexually-integrated education, whether at home or in the classroom, must acquire the wisdom of biblical discrimination. (p. 113-114)

14. Friends

  • Your child’s friendships are important (1 Cor 15:33)
  • Prioritize finding a faithful, flourishing church
  • Beware of friends that are:
    • Overly talkative (Prov 16:28)
    • Desperately looking for friends (Prov 18:24)
    • Emotionally manipulative (ministering to hurting people is ok but it’s not the same as friendship)
    • “Fair-weather” friends (Prov 19:4)
    • Common interest of friendship is unhealthy (Lk 23:12)
  • Not every friend has to be a Christian (Paul had pagan some friends - Acts 19:31) but godly friends should be the standard (Ps 119:63)
  • Non-Christian friend is ok as long as he is a refugee from the world and not an evangelist for it
  • Friendship is defined by willingness to sacrifice (Prov 17:17)
  • True friend loves at all times (Rev 1:9)
  • Beware of flatterers (Prov 27:6)

  • A friend who only talks your son into things is probably not that helpful. A good friend encourages in both directions—you should be pleased to hear that your son was going to make a foolish purchase at the sports equipment store, but his good friend talked him out of it. (p. 121)

  • Good friend pushes and challenges (Prov 27:17)
  • Friendship is a noble thing in scripture (Prov 22:11)
  • No true friendship is possible apart from friendship with God
  • Maintaining standards of friendship is difficult:
    • While neighborhood kids visit in your house, you have real authority over them
    • For regular visitors establish set of rules
    • Better to have other kids in your house then your kids at theirs
    • Maintaining standards with church friends is more difficult (eg if you are not comfortable letting your kids meeting with them) → gracious honesty is still the best (explaining why are you not ok with friendship between your kids)
  • Parents have important authority in this area, esp. at young age
  • Bringing a friendship to an end is also an option if the friendship is harmful but should be done as a last resort after much prayer

15. Fighting, Sports, and Competition

  • Christian faith is not pacifistic
  • Eschatological pacifism is real part of God’s promise for the future “but until the time when men will learn war no more, they must still learn it” → boys should learn when, where, and how to fight
  • Boys must be taught never fight for trivial reasons: Christ prohibited worthless anger but not anger in general (see his example: Mk 3:5)
  • Boys must not fight unless the fight is consistent with his love for his enemies (this requirement is for individuals not governments and states)
  • Personal retaliation is prohibited (Mt 5:38-48)
  • Discernment:

    Do not resist an evil person. There are times when we must do this. There are times when we must not (Mt. 23). Turn the other cheek. There are times when we must do this. There are times when we must not (Jn. 18:22-23). Capitulate in lawsuits. There are times when we must do this. There are times when we must not (Mt. 18:15-20). Go the second mile. There are times when we must do this. There are times when we must not (Acts 16:35-38). Give and loan money. There are times when we must do this. There are times when we must not (2 Thes. 3:10). (p. 129)

  • Individual vs deputy:

    We are not to go one way or another based upon our personal whims. Rather, our attitude should be constant, and we should adapt our behavior according to whether or not we are individuals (who must turn the other cheek) or deputies of a duly-constituted authority (and as such an authority, required by God to fight). For example, a father should teach his son that he must never fight over his own interests-like picking a fight with another kid because he does not like the shape of his head. At the same time, the father should instruct the son that he is fully authorized to fight a bully when there is no other way to restrain him. In the second instance, the son is appointed—a deputy of his father. (p. 129)

  • Loving the enemy:

    There can be no mistake about the personal demeanor required of Christians. If someone is an enemy, then we must love them. If someone curses us, then we must bless them. If someone hates us, then we must do good to them. If someone spitefully uses us and persecutes us, we must pray for them. These are things which a soldier can do toward the enemy he fights, and a policeman can do to the criminals he restrains. A boy needs to learn how to make the distinction. (p. 129)

  • Imitating God’s redemptive love:

    We are to imitate our Father in all things. We are to treat everyone we know, and meet, lawfully from the heart. This is what our Father does— He pours out common blessings on the just and unjust alike. We are to do the same. If we were to find a wallet with money in it, it should make no difference whether the wallet belonged to a personal friend or enemy. This is our imitation of the Father’s common grace. However, there are other aspects of our lives which are to be imitations of the Father’s redemptive love. For example, husbands are to love their wives as Christ loved the church—they are to bestow love upon their wives, and upon no others. This is a distinction which is easy for us to master in our own dealings with our friends, acquaintances, and enemies. We must pray that God grants us an understanding of how this reflects His dealings with His bride, and His enemies. When we fight, we are modeling the particularity of Christ’s redemptive love. We fight against someone, and we fight for someone. (p. 130)

  • War at play:

    boys who play at war are training at something men are called to do. It is as honorable as a young girl mothering a baby doll. But just as we do not want the young girl abusing a doll, neither do we want young boys pretending to do evil in war. Among the essential things that boys must learn here are honor and restraint. They should only learn what they need to learn, and they should not learn that which they must reject later. (130)

  • Rules:

    This means that a boy who is playing with a toy gun should be trained to never use it more freely simply because it is not real. A small boy who is playing war with his brothers should be pointing and blasting away with the best of them. But if a lady from church comes over to visit the young boy’s mother, and is standing in the foyer, and the boy comes up and tries to blow her away, the young warrior’s mother should haul him off to the bedroom to be tied for war crimes. The visitor was a civilian and noncombatant, and Mother should be schooled in the principles of just war theory, and she should enforce the rules. (130-131)

  • Real firearms:

    young boys should obviously be trained in the use of real firearms. They should be fanatics about gun safety, and the rules of gun safety should apply whether the gun is real or not. By this I mean that carelessness with toy guns breeds carelessness with the real thing. When boys are playing at war, the guns should be pointed as they are in a war. When they are not playing at war, but rather hanging around, they should be taught to treat their toy guns with respect and not to casually point one at one of the playmates just to go bang. The reason for all this is that such behavior is preparation for a high and noble calling. (131)

  • Athletics: not sinful in itself, Bible doesn’t prohibit it (1 Cor 9:24-27) but there are caveats:
    • Athletic competition on the Lord’s Day
    • Immodest dressing
    • Danger of egalitarianism (winning is not important only having fun matters):

      It is quite true that a competitor should not care about winning more than he cares about glorifying God. But although it may sound crass, the point of playing a game is to win it—and this is how young men should be trained to glorify God. Winning isn’t everything, but it is the point of the particular activity. (133)

    • False doctrine of self-worship

16. Girls and Sex

  • Boys must learn to treat girls and women with honor and respect

  • A two-year-old boy should be taught to respect his baby sister because she is a girl. A five-year-old boy should be required to say “yes, ma’am” to his mother simply because she is a woman. Young boys need to be taught to stand when a woman enters the room. They should be taught to hold open doors for women. They should seat their mother at the dinner table. These are not arbitrary or random cultural practices which have no meaning. They are a constant daily reminder to males—whose lusts when unmortified always degrade women—that women must not be degraded, but rather honored. Manners are therefore a form of sexual discipleship; they are sexual discipline. A boy who has learned to honor women everywhere will have difficulty in despising one in the back seat of a car. (136)

  • Temptation to lust can be enflamed by the world but it comes from within us
  • Mt 5:27-30: self-mutilation will not restrain sin
    • Offending member is the heart → We must have a new heart
    • Beware of preserving ethical standards of the Christian faith without the underlying foundation of all morality
  • Fathers must assume that a difficult struggle is occurring in their sons’ lives
  • Father should check periodically and regularly in with his son and not wait for him to ask
  • Accountability groups:

    Sometimes young Christian men form accountability groups with other young men, which is not nearly as good an idea as it might seem. In many cases, it might as well be called the swimmers-drowning-together club. Say there are six guys in the group—what you have is six bundles of testosterone with feet. Suppose at a meeting one of the young men confesses to having visited porn sites on the web and then masturbated during the last week. Then the other five guys say, “Oh.” Maybe they even exhort him strongly. On the other hand, if the young man had asked his father to be his accountability group, he would have found his computer privileges promptly revoked. In other words, it would be a real accountability, and not a pseudo-accountability which allows young Christian men to talk about their sexual sins without consequences. (140-141)

  • Possibility of sexual immorality is real → Never assume that “it” can’t happen “here”
  • Pray regularly for the purity of your sons
  • Warning indications:
    • Low entertainment standards (music, movies)
    • “I can handle it” (it’s a lie)
    • Beware of company of young girl who is emotionally needy (he wants to be her protector, whereas in reality he is the chief threat to her)
    • Danger of vicariously needy girls:

      Parents should also watch out for another kind of girl, one who might be called vicariously needy. She herself is not a sexual temptation to boys—say, because she is plain or overweight—and so she lives out her emotional needs vicariously, trying to get other couples together. In effect, she becomes a procuress, whether she knows what she is doing or not. Because of her management skills, it becomes very easy for a young man to go over to “Suzy’s house” for some class function or get together. Because the parents know that Suzy is not attractive to their son, they assume too much. What they don’t know is that the class get together is actually a loose collection of couples, and there are bushes and empty cars in the neighborhood. (143)

    • Culture of secrecy (good barometer: lack of lively, detailed and thorough conversations around dinner table)
    • Son who seeks a lot of time away
  • Sexual immorality is always accompanied by lying → lying usually starts before immorally does
  • Sexual impatience causes a lot of problems in marriage

17. Courtship and Betrothal

  • Meeting with the girl’s father:

    … a young man must be prepared for the father of the young lady who catches his interest. If he is a wise father, he will want to know this suitor’s sexual history-not lurid details, but enough to know whether or not this young man is likely to be a faithful husband to his daughter. But there is no telling if his future father-in-law will be a wise man. A son may have met a Christian girl from a non-Christian home, or she may be from what is a messed-up Christian home. When your son goes to her father to receive direction, he might not get any. One result of this is that the sexual purity of the couple is not protected. In situations like this, it would be a good idea for the son to seek out the counsel and advice of his own parents. This is done, not because they have authority over the situation, but rather because they are trying to make the best out of a bad situation. (145)

  • Breaking engagements:

    Engagement should be understood as something more than really serious dating. There should be social sanctions for breaking an engagement without cause. (146)

  • Disinheritance:

    The ultimate sanction that family government has is that of disinheritance. Just as the church excommunicates, and the civil magistrate executes, so a family has the authority to disinherit. If a son deserts the faith, he ought to be disinherited. If he marries outside the covenant, i.e., he marries a non-Christian, he ought to be disinherited. (146)

    • [Personal note: this seems to go beyond what the Bible requires, cf. prodigal son’s father (Lk 15:12) and God’s generosity (Mt 5:45)]
  • Eph 5:31-32: the relationship between the sexes is a mystery
  • Essential principles:
    • Attitude is first
    • Maturity matters (in general, marrying before adult maturity is foolish)
    • Young men have to know their limitations (most difficult characteristics: confident humility)
    • Preparation is important
  • Women to be avoided:
    • Disobedient
    • Seductive (Prov 30:20)
    • Adultery is a form of suicide (Prov 22:14) even if immoral woman looks good (Prov 7:10) and sounds good (Prov 5:3)
    • Quarrelsome (Prov 9:13)
  • Godly woman:
    • Sexually superior:

      A godly woman is a sexually superior woman—husbands are commanded to rejoice sexually with their wives (Prov 5:18); they are commanded to be enraptured (Prov 5:19). This is something the husband is commanded to do, and is able to do, but not alone. In other words, a biblical wife can outdo all the one-night-stands in the world. Information to the contrary is nothing more than lying propaganda. (149-150)

    • Edifying (she builds - Prov 14:1)
    • She is a gift (Prov 18:22)
  • Biblical woman and traditional woman are not necessarily identical
  • Prov 31 describes a “superwoman” (ie. rare find) → helpful as a pattern of imitation
  • Girl’s mother as an example:

    In determining this, the young man will not be looking at a lifetime of accomplishment. We marry at the beginning of our lives, after all, not at the end of them. But for a glimpse of what she is likely to be capable of, he can do worse than considering the young woman’s mother. A young woman will probably be significantly like her mother in the future. In a similar way, a young lady should consider her suitor’s father. This (obviously) is not an infallible consideration, but it is a consideration. (151)

  • Look to yourself first:

    Scripture teaches us to look to ourselves first. A young man should primarily want to be the kind of young man a young woman like this would want to marry. (151)

18. Contempt for the Cool

  • Difficulty: how to teach children to think like Christians
  • Clothes: God clothes his elect → we can’t say that clothes are a “neutral thing”
  • Most common problem regarding clothing is thoughtlessness & invisible worldview
  • Source of authority:

    The principle here is that sons must be taught not to hunger for a source of authority other than the Word of God—which is precisely what the concept of cool is. The problem is not this piece of fabric or that one, but rather a question of the source of legitimacy—is it to be found in the whims of designers and teenaged consumers, or is it to be found in the wisdom resident in Scripture? (158)

  • Pop culture:

    … unless we are talking about a violation of the Ten Commandments, we must not rush to judge any particular manifestation of pop culture as “a sin,” as evil in itself. (158)

  • Sin is always in the heart
  • All human actions have moral component and direction → nothing is neutral
  • Ken Myers’ distinction: high culture, folk culture, pop culture
    • First two carries permanent things
    • High culture can express rebellion against God but cultural impact is minimal → less dangerous
    • Pop culture is momentary & seductive → most dangerous
  • Meaning is essential
  • Example: purple hair:

    Say we are dealing with a young man who has dyed his hair purple. I am giving him counsel and I tell him (as I would tell him) that this was sinful. He would want me to look up “purple hair” in my concordance and show him where the Bible prohibits it. But this is as unreasonable as the demand to find a list of English obscenities in a Greek lexicon. The Bible condemns rebellion, and the purple hair means rebellion. If he agrees, he has admitted the sin. If he disagrees, then he is an empurpled ignoramus, as the Sex Pistols would readily tell him, were they here. (161)

  • Direction:

    It is the duty of any who aspire to be thinking Christians to ask what that direction [of pop culture] is. And the second question concerns whether we want to go there. (161)

  • Question of meaning:

    Parents need to teach their kids to ask pointed questions about music and movies, clothing and jewelry, and whatever other cultural stampede anybody thinks up next. The questions should all revolve around the central question of what it actually means. (161)

  • Biblical imperative: discipline of thinking like a Christian
  • Cultures are meant to be preserved:

    Pop culture is a disposable culture for those who agree to consume it. But because cultures are meant to be handed down to subsequent generations, because cultures are meant to be preserved, a consumable culture is really an anti-culture. And this is where pop culture and rebellious high-culture reveal their similarity. No one will hand down the works of this century’s rebellious high art and architecture because it is all so mud-fence ugly. And no one will hand down pop culture as an inheritance either (“And to my great-grandson William, I bequeath all my Spice Girls CDs…”). (162)

  • Consumption of pop culture: rarely demanding (↔ unlike Bach: not only demanding not only on the performer but on the listener too)
  • Sin of omission:

    The central sin of pop culture is therefore a sin of omission. … In a biblical culture, a man expects his great-grandchildren to read what he has read, sing what he has sung, listen to what he has listened to. In an evanescent culture, like the one that surrounds us, a man expects to have all his “cultural” experiences buried with him. (163)

Conclusion: Fighting Idols

  • Josh 24:14-15: Two kinds of idols
    • Idols in Egypt: before the Lord redeemed them → gods of antithesis
    • Idols across Jordan: after the Lord redeemed them → gods of synthesis
  • Both types must be put away, but second type is more difficult to identify
  • Our idols:
    • Another god under the name of Jehovah
    • God of republicans and democrats
    • God of personal peace & prosperity (savings accounts, pensions, insurance plans)
  • Mt 7:24-29: House built on rock
    • Both the wise and the fool work equally hard in building a house
    • Both hear the Word
    • Distinction is not revealed at the beginning
  • Elders must be held to scriptural standards
    • 1 Timothy and Titus emphasize character, not professionalism
  • Ps 144:11-15
    • We must ache for the blessing of God on our children (Ps 144:12)
    • Young Christian must prepare for marriage and for the world outside marriage

Appendix

Appendix A: Liberty and Marijuana

  • Civil disobedience:

    With regard to civil disobedience, an individual may withstand the authorities only if he has warrant from the Word of God to do so, and does so in a way that is an honor to the gospel. If he does not, then he may not. (173)

  • Argument: marijuana use is sinful (even if it is legal) → family and church should discipline for noncriminal sinful behavior
  • 1 Thes 5:6-8: “nepho” translated as sober: “be self-possessed under all circumstances”

    • The Christian mind is to be in training, preparing to think clearly and with godly precision. A lack of sobriety, a lack of nephos, to any extent, is completely inconsistent with this. (177)

    • Moderate use of wine is consistent with nephos (drunkenness is prohibited)
  • Biblical uses of wine
    1. Sacramental (Mt 26:27-29) ↔ no scriptural warrant to use drugs in worship
    2. Medicinal (1 Tim 5:23)

      • …the current political push to allow for the medicinal use of marijuana does have a hidden agenda behind it—the issue is not medicine, but rather the legalization and normalization of marijuana use. (179)

    3. Aesthetic (Jn 2:10)
    4. To quench our thirst (Jn 19:28-30 → vinegar = cheap wine)
    5. Celebratory function (Ps 104:15)
  • Only word in NT related to drug use is pharmakeia (Gal 5:20) translated as sorcery or witchcraft → connection between drug use and occult practices are not entirely severed even today
  • Coffee / tobacco: not mind-altering agents

Appendix B: Proverbs Was Written for Boys

  • Proverbs: treasury of instructions for parents of boys
  • Boy must learn to be teachable (Prov 1:7-8)
  • He must listen not only to his father but to the generations before (Prov 4:1-3)
  • Patient, repetitive instruction is precious gold
  • Proverbs teaches boys to listen: getting a son’s attention is very important
  • Disciplined son is protected from the loose woman (Prov 7:1-5)
  • Son must be taught:
    • To be vigilant, and to guard himself against sexual ambush (Prov 23:26-28)
    • Not to be stupid with money (Prov 6:1-3)
    • Not to meddle in revolutionary politics (Prov 24:21-22)
    • Not to be gluttonous and lazy (Prov 23:19-26)