“rod”: elephant in the room, physical discipline endorsed, no biblical response; discipline != punishment; “hands-off” permissiveness vs. “hands-on” authoritarianism -> “hands-around” relational perspective -> heartfelt discipline; three areas: directing, correcting, protecting children; bring them up in the “discipline and instruction of the Lord” (Eph 6,4); rely on God instead of a formula; ultimate goal: raise child to be wholehearted discipline of Jesus Christ; not just to raise well-disciplined child but train child to become disciple; take child from following you to following Christ;

1. parent ~ gardener for God; parable of sower: not about seeds but about soils; good soil = prepared heart; “honest and good heart”: aesthetical (kalos) and ethical goodness (agathos) -> values and pursues all aspect of God’s goodness; discipline: about relationship, purpose: set person on God’s way of righteousness (way of life), never simply punishment, focus on the attitude not just the behavior; guard what goes into his heart (Prov 4,23), not just watch what comes out of it

2. childhood a) divinely designed stage of life (Bible: childhood (0-12) -> young adulthood (12-marriage) -> adulthood) b) child’s heart divinely open to parental influence (not tabula rasa, already pre-programmed) c) child’s mind divinely prepared to believe in God (innocent, nascent faith but God approves it) d) child’s soul divinely protected by God (age of accountability depends on child, innocence not absence of sin but postponement of culpability); no special formula for child’s salvation; living by faith vs living by formula; 3)

3. “spare the rod, spoil the child” -> not God’s words; Prov 22:6 “dedicate (not discipline) a young man (not child) to following God’s way of wisdom; even when he grows up (focus on becoming adult) he will not turn aside from that way”; physical discipline of children nowhere suggested (‘naar’ = young adult, not child); Proverbs: counsel (not commandments), principles (not promises); rod: not symbolic, applied on the back (not backside) -> different from spanking -> striking that leaves marks are abusive & distortion of God’s word; we are no longer bound to OT laws;

4. sources of control: self (discipline by the flesh), emotions (discipline by feelings), others (discipline by fear), methods (discipline by formula), God (discipline by faith); no guaranteed formula for biblical childhood discipline; we cannot live Christian life without Holy Spirit (that includes parenting!); walking in the Spirit: confessing known sins, Word of God, prayer; parenting: important part of Christian life (eternal beings are influenced by you!); you are free to follow the Spirit in your parenting (<-> Christian “law”); grace-shaped parenting (charis: ‘what causes delight’); God is committed to helping you with your children; character formation is not the main goal (-> functional behaviorism); faulty assumptions: good character is created by a) good characters qualities b) good parenting methods c) good parents; you can’t create Christian character in your children - that’s God’s job; your children cannot follow you until you walk;

5. II. DIRECTIVE DISCIPLINE: 5) Sympathy vs Strictness: no real relationship without open heart; sympathy draws them to follow you; sympathy != permissiveness/parental pity; sympathy: understanding your children’s thoughts/feelings (!= empathy: entering into their feelings); anger has no place in childhood discipline; know your child; personality types: introverted (focus on thoughts/ideas) <-> extraverted (focus on people/activities), experience-oriented (need freedom/spontaneity) <-> time-oriented (need structure/predictability); you can’t treat every child the same way; discern real needs (doesn’t need discipline; he needs a nap): hunger, overstimulation (sugar); know your child’s parent (Meyers-Briggs personality types); lying in bed with children with fearful thoughts

6. Encouragement vs Guilt: feeling bad about sin (godly sorrow) <-> feeling bad about themselves (guilt & shame); “stop acting like a child!” -> children should never have to feel bad about being childish - what else can they be? Holy Spirit: helper (parakaleo: sb “called alongside” to help & comfort) -> parent is representative of Holy Spirit; guilt separates: impossible to use it to biblically encourage a child; your words & attitudes have lifelong impact on your children; biblical encouragement always involves God’s Word; you can’t offer a word from God unless you have spent time with Him; seek God daily, ask the Holy Spirit to give you something to say to your children; show your children the faithfulness of God in history & your own life; Family Day: review all the God has been faithful to us in the year before, collect illustrated memories in Family Day notebook (~ Joshua’s memorial from stones); biblical encouragement: not just affirming good behavior but connecting it with scriptural truth; acknowledge good choices & actions (don’t take them for granted); humor is important (children like to laugh)

7. Nurture vs Neglect: husbands nurturing wives (Eph 5,29 ~ fathers bringing up children (Eph 6,4): same word used; “A Christian home is never defined by what the children do. It’s defined by what the parents do.”; nurturing ~ cultivating a garden: requires thinking and planning; spend time together as a family (<-> calendar-crunching church events keeping families from being together); cut non-essential activities (activities ~ sun: good but to much is not good); family night: inspirational movie night; involve your children in what you are doing (eg ministry); make family devotions a priority (good to have many bibles but you need to open them and read them); use devotionals with caution: few are very serious about making God real; don’t fall into a trap of thinking you cannot lead devotions without a guide; Family Devotional ARTS approach: Ask a question, Read the Bible, Talk about it, Speak to God; make family traditions meaningful: bring in the reality of God in your holidays (advent wreath, shepherd’s meal); birthdays: each person shares how they have seen the birthday person grow in the past year; make the word of God active in your home: no Bible-free zones; meet with God daily; make time each day for affection (eg touch, kiss)

8. Instruction vs Information: focus on what God has to say (not what you have to say); “teach them diligently” (Deut 6,6-9): term related to sharpening knife; knowledge alone is never the ultimate goal of instruction; goal: transformed life; “make disciples” (Mt 28,18-20): literally: “make learners”; biblical instruction: not just about knowledge but becoming like the teacher; need to reclaim our primary roles as instructors of our children (<-> media: short instruction, highly visual; fragmentation hinders critical thinking); communicating truth effectively: storytelling (handed this role to visual media because “too much time”; always use scriptures; share stories from your childhood), illustration (Scripture ~ big treasure chest), questions (avoid loaded/closed/rhetorical/confusing questions), persuasion, object lessons, narration (ask them to retell story)

9. III. CORRECTIVE DISCIPLINE: 9) Spiritual correction: law vs grace based parenting (focus on regulations vs relationship); less time with kids -> more likely to use laws (relationship takes time); grace teaches to say no to things not of God and yes to God’s ways (Titus 2,12); God’s Word, prayer, fellowship: open channel for God’s grace; your own relationship with God is the key to your children’s relationship with God; silent prayer helps only you, spoken prayer helps your child too; commit to pray for your children (responsive spirits, soft hearts, willing minds, God remind them of scriptures, say no to sin) -> tell your children what you prayed for them in private; have weekly 1-on-1 fellowship with each of your child; fellowship with like-minded families; body of Christ: spiritual anchor in your child’s life

10. Verbal Correction: not just telling what they did wrong but speaking God’s Word into their heart; God’s Word can teach, reprove, correct, train (2Tim 3,16-17); correction: straightening crooked behavior (~orthopedic surgeon); if your child sinned, he needs to hear about it from you; our children are not our adversaries (not like Pharisees); assume your God-given authority as parent (even if you don’t feel confident); use scriptures, apply to your children personally; counterbalance correction with positive ACE message (Phil 1,3-11): A (affirm the good things) C (confirm your love) E (express expectation of what you believe can happen); look beyond the immediate problem to the biblical response: confession (agree with God about the sin - 1Jn 1,9), forgiveness (only way to restore relationship - Eph 4,32), repentance (change mind about sin - 2Pt 3,9), conviction (internal recognition of sin - Jn 16,8), godly sorrow (sorrow for having offended God - 2Cor 7,10)

11. Behavioral Correction: choices have consequences (Gal 6,7-8); invectives (positive) or disincentives (negative); natural vs logical consequences (based on prior agreement); consistency is key; your children’s actions say as much about your consistency in training as about your children’s character (Prov 20,10); your child’s actions reveal your training; less consistent walk with Christ -> less consistent training; not just to control behavior but to train the will; honor: two way street (you too are commanded to honor your parents); obedience is not an option but a command (no areas of life exempt)

12. Physical Correction: neither mandated, not prohibited by scripture; “What would Jesus do?” -> hard to imagine him spanking; if you still want to spank: never in anger and never in public

13. IV. PROTECTIVE DISCIPLINE: 13) Protecting Against Unhealthy Appetites; mediocrity vs excellence/beauty; training appetites (discernment/self-denial) helps against temptations to sin; if you want your children to have appetites for good books they need to see you reading good books; digital games vs musical instrument/new hobby; Phil 4:8: standard of measure (true, honorable, right, pure etc); read aloud good books to your children (just because it’s Christian it doesn’t mean it’s worth reading); fleshly vs spiritual music (overemphasized beat/rhythm vs focus on melody/harmony); imaginative play: don’t allow them to pretend things that God would condemn in real life; avoid games based on unbiblical supernatural themes/greed/conquest/sexuality/dishonesty; screens weaken imagination muscle

14. Protecting Against Undesirable Relationships: cultural push to minimize family time/influence; “family is not enough to socialize young children” -> no biblical basis; “they can be salt and light” -> Bible never puts this responsibility in children, they are not expected to be evangelists/missionaries; guard your children against a) fools (eg exposure to physical danger by neglect/ignorance) b) unbelievers (unequal yoking (2Cor 6:14-15), they might have to pray and wait for a believing friend) c) immoral people (don’t leave your child alone with and adult you don’t know) d) false teachers; create a strong offense: a) spend more time with your children (building relationship takes time; overcommittment to good things = undercommitment to family; eg ice cream dates, plan good questions ahead) b) make your home inviting, warm and safe (children’s love for home: barometer for parents’ love for them; result: other kids want to come too -> hospitality) c) create safety net of relationships (eg find out start small group for families) d) know your child’s friends and friends’ families (policy: children cannot play at another child’s house until we meet with both the child and his/her parents)

15. Protecting Against Unacceptable Media: what captures child’s imagination will feed their hearts; protect your children not just by teaching them to swing safely but also knowing when to get out; you can’t tell something is harmful if you live as if it is not (children need to see me “hate” the same sinful things I’m protecting them from); children not strong enough yet - they need your protection; concerning themes: a) occult (no form of occult is trivial) b) supernatural (fantasy themes: waste of Christian child’s imagination) c) science fiction (wait until they are older and don’t confuse it with reality) d) graphic violence (desensitizes to real-life violence, violent images will stay in child’s mind) e) casual sexuality (teach them early about moral purity, apply parental filter) f) dysfunctional lifestyles (intact, healthy Christian family portrayed as extreme, out of touch with reality, don’t let your silence inadvertently endorse skewed views of life and morality that contradict biblical truth) g) coarse langue (desensitizing effect); don’t be afraid to be an over-protector; look at media through lens of Ten Commandments: if media content affirms any, that’s a good find; issue is not whether sin is depicted but how it’s depicted; can’t stop birds from flying around you but can stop them from building a nest in your hair (Luther)

16. Protecting Against Unseen Influences: parenting ~ chaos theory: small initial changes can have widely different outcomes; parenting: not an engineer but an influencer; culture ~ always-changing wind: cannot change its direction but can adjust your sails to reach your destination; starting point: yield your life to God; stop being passively influenced by any cultural “isms” (& do that for your children too); don’t fear culture, feed it instead; protect your children from harmful influences & for creative role God has for them as culture makers; study, affirm and protect your child’s personality; discern & develop any nascent passion in your children; home education: distinct natural advantage (you can be with your children all times - Deut 6,7) vs state education (under the authority & influence of other adults -> must ensure your child cannot hide what is going on inside); I encourage you to accept the mantel of being an overprotective parent

Epilog: Christian parenting ~ flight of Apollo 13; discipline: lifelong journey on the path of life; children: not just temporary responsibilities; PATH of Life: P - Pray for your children regularly, A - Accept your children unconditionally (even when their personality traits/preferences clash with your own) T - Teach/train your children diligently, H - Honor your children purposefully (honor = assign value, give your child a sense of self-worth)