“Since it is so likely that [our children] will meet cruel enemies, let them at least have heard of brave knights and heroic courage. Otherwise you are making their destiny not brighter but darker.” (C. S. Lewis)

Beth Robinson: frequent expert witness in legal proceedings involving sexual abuse.

Introduction: Creating a Warrior Heart: 34% of child sexual abuse victims <9; 26% between 12-14; 1/6 boys, 1/4 girls abused before 18; abuse not uncommon in males; 40% victims show no symptoms; males: societal pressure to be strong & not be seen as victim

1. Know the Turf, Have a Plan, Protect Your Children: trust is the oil that greases the gears of abuse; preschoolers should not have access to devices connected to the internet
2. You Want Me to Talk About Sex? keep conversations small but regular; have a conversation, but do not lecture; as a parent you should be able to communicate important concepts in 3-5 sentences; when kids ask, answer honestly (incl. “i don’t know”); don’t react with too much emotion to situations (it traumatizes them); use teachable moments to talk about sex (e.g. media, talk with friends); if child don’t ask, don’t pressure

Section I: Children Five and Under

Messages to your child: keep telling them these protective truths:

1. Children have the right to say no to anyone who asks them to do anything painful, embarrassing, or wrong.
2. No one can touch them on the parts of the body covered by a bathing suit, and they should not touch anyone else in these private places.
3. They must tell you immediately if someone tells them to keep a secret or tries to threaten them or bribe them. Assure them repeatedly that you will always be glad to know that, and that they will not be in trouble.
4. If they find themselves alone with an adult or peer in an isolated area where others cannot see them or in an unfamiliar place, they need to leave the situation immediately.

Warning signs of abuse: red flags when children:

1. have physical injuries or have concerns about their genitalia;
2. display an unprecedented shyness about getting undressed in front of others;
3. express an unusual interest in sexual subjects or completely avoid sexual topics;
4. avoid individuals for no apparent reason or don’t want to participate in certain activities;
5. experience sleep disturbances, bed-wetting, or soiling; or isolate themselves, are depressed, and have suicidal thoughts.

While these are all symptoms of sexual abuse, no single symptom will confirm a child has been sexually abused. If your child is exhibiting one or more of these symptoms, talk with him or her to make sure your child has not been abused. If you suspect your child has been sexually or physically abused, remember not to overreact emotionally in front of your child. Let the child know that you want to keep him or her safe—that it’s your job, and you want to do it. Take your concerns to a doctor, a social worker, or the police. You don’t have to know that your child is not safe, you just have to suspect it to seek out professional assistance. And of course, don’t leave your child with the caregiver or at the daycare until you’re convinced it’s safe.

1. Children Five and Under: What They Should Know: concept of maleness/femaleness; correct names for body parts; private parts: parts of body covered by swimming suit; definition of safe touch (make kids feel safe and calm ~ hug) and unsafe touch (make kids nervous, scared) - don’t use good/bad touch (they think it refers to them); e.g. Safe touch coloring books; use role-play to show difference between surprise (parents may not know for a while but when they find out they are happy) and secrets (parents don’t know & are sad/angry when they find out); talk about situations when child shouldn’t obey an older person; identify people child should talk to if they are not safe (they MUST keep telling adults until they feel safe);
2. Abuse by Authority Figure: The Sitter: do social media background check (don’t use third parties, do it yourself); ask applicant for list of previous employers & call them; check driving record; in general, teenage baby-sitters are not recommended; anyone else coming to your home must have your prior approval; daycare: ask who may come into the daycare & have contact with the children (e.g. janitors, bus drivers) → have they undergone background checks?; practice intrusive supervision (show up randomly during the day); use camera for your home; keep up with social media; run background check 1x/year; trust your instincts
3. Abuse by a Peer: The Small Group Bible Study: 40% children abused by older/more powerful children; as a parent, you should require your church have a child safety program;
4. Abuse by Family Member or Trusted Friend: The Cousin: sibling incest 5x frequent as parent-child abuse; novella for teens on sexual abuse by relative: The Mona Lisa Mirror → helpful discussion starter; sexual abuse more likely in families with rigid gender roles, power imbalances, differential treatment of children, lack of parental supervision; wrestling & tickling can become unsafe; set clear family guidelines: 1) children not expected to kiss/hug relatives they don’t know 2) importance of closed doors (both when they are changing clothes or others, both them and other should knock) 3) guests need to play in living room / shared spaces (not in bedroom) - same when they are guests 4) boundaries might evolve with time;

Age	Common Behaviors	Uncommon Behaviors
0-5 years	- Questions about gender and private parts - Questions about hygiene and toileting - Questions about pregnancy and birth - Exploring genitals and experiencing pleasure	- Knowledge of specific sexual acts or use of explicit language - Engaging in adult-like sexual contact with other children - Showing and looking at private parts
6-8 years	- Questions about physical development, relationships, sexual behavior - Questions about menstruation and pregnancy - Questions about personal values and sexuality - Experimenting with same-age and same-gender children during games or role-playing - Self-stimulation in private	- Adult-like sexual behaviors - Knowledge of specific sexual acts - Behaving sexually in a public place or through technology
9-12 years	- Increased sexual awareness, feelings, and interest at the onset of puberty - Questions about sexual behavior and relationships - Discussing sexual acts and personal values - Increased experimentation with sexual behaviors - Self-stimulation in private	- Regularly occurring adult-like sexual behavior - Behaving sexually in a public place or through technology
13-16 years	- Questions about social relationships and sexual customs - Questions about personal consequences and sexual behaviors - Self-stimulation in private - Sexual experimentation with individuals of the same age and gender is common. - Voyeuristic behaviors are common in this age group. - First sexual intercourse will occur for approximately one third of teens.	- Behaving sexually in a public place or through technology - Masturbation in a public place - Sexual interest directed toward much younger children

1. Abuse by Strangers: At the Restaurant: be on the alert for people photographing your children; be cautious when posting pictures with your children (esp. in bathtubs & partially clothed); use watermark on your photos; strip GPS data from photo

Section II: Children Six to Eleven:

Messages to your child: keep telling them these protective truths:

1. Children have the right to say no to anyone who asks them to do anything painful, embarrassing, or wrong.
2. No one can touch them on the parts of the body covered by a bathing suit, and they should not touch anyone else in these private places.
3. They must tell you immediately if someone tells them to keep a secret or tries to threaten them or bribe them. Assure them repeatedly that you will always be glad to know that, and they will not be in trouble.
4. Children have the right to refuse to look at pictures or videos of other people who are naked or engaged in sexual activities.
5. If they find themselves alone with an adult or peer in an isolated area where others cannot see them or in an unfamiliar place, they need to leave the situation immediately.
6. Children need to be aware of peers or adults who make jokes about or talk about sexual information. Your children need to know that God created sex to form a special bond between men and women who are married. They need to tell you if peers or adults are joking about sexual content or talking about sexual information with them.
7. Children need to know that talking about sexual information with friends or viewing sexual content does not make them more grown up. Rather, talking about sexual information or viewing pornographic information will likely confuse them about God’s plan for sex.

Warning signs of abuse: red flags when children:

1. exhibit behaviors that change drastically or they are emotional;
2. express an unusual interest in sexual subjects or completely avoid sexual topics;
3. avoid individuals for no apparent reason or don’t want to participate in certain activities;
4. experience sleep disturbances, bed-wetting, or soiling; or isolate themselves, are depressed, and have suicidal thoughts.

While these are all symptoms of sexual abuse, no single symptom will confirm a child has been sexually abused. If your child is exhibiting one or more of these symptoms, talk with him or her to make sure he or she has not been abused. If you suspect your child has been sexually or physically abused, remember not to overreact emotionally in front of your child. Let the child know you want to keep him or her safe-that it’s your job, and you want to do it. Take your concerns to a doctor, a social worker, or the police. You don’t have to know that your child is not safe, you just have to suspect it to seek out professional assistance. And of course, don’t leave your child in the same situation if you are concerned about their safety.

1. Children Six to Eleven: What They Should Know: monitor your child’s interaction with technology; even with excellent monitoring, they will likely encounter inappropriate content - expect that; use these situations to teach your children
2. Abuse by Authority Figure: Private Lessons: biggest warning sign: adults seeking out time alone with your children
3. Abuse by Family/Trusted Friends: The Sleepover: sleepovers strongly NOT recommended; you can allow them to go & pick them up at 10pm; book: The Gift of Fear;
4. Abuse by Peer/Authority Figure: Summer Camp: child sex offenders who are trying not to offend do not want to have access to children;
5. Abuse by Stranger: Riding Bikes in the Neighborhood: stay outside & do your chores to keep supervision; if your children want to play with friends, invite them into your house rather than having your children to go to friends’ houses; there are no absolutely safe places; we don’t walk around scared - we walk around alert; check sex offender registry
6. Abuse Involving Technology: The Wikipedia Ambush: large number of strangers who come into your home via the Internet may have the exact opposite goals for your children as you do; prevent children from giving out personal information; use watermark on your photos; strip GPS data from photo; limit screen time; keep technology in shared rooms; install monitoring software; do not overreact to inappropriate content; good news: there is no inescapable temptation! (1Cor 10:13)

Section III: Ages Twelve and Older

Messages to your teen: keep telling them these protective truths:

1. Teens should know what sexual and emotional limits are healthy in a relationship and how to tell other people about those limits.
2. If someone has violated the emotional or sexual limits your teens set, your teenagers should recognize that it is dangerous and speak up immediately.
3. Let your teens know that they have the right at any point to say no to a sexual behavior.
4. Teach your children safety skills for group gatherings. Teach them to pour their own beverage and keep it in their sight. Help them recognize that it is easy for anyone to slip drugs or alcohol into their beverages.
5. Teach your teenagers to be aware of where they are hanging out and to avoid places that keep them isolated from others. Teens may feel like they can take care of themselves, but they don’t have the life experiences to recognize when they are in danger.
6. Help your teens learn to trust their instincts. If they feel that a person or situation is not safe, they should leave immediately.
7. Help your teens recognize that they need a back-up plan no matter where they go. This plan should include telling someone they trust where they are going. They should always have a person to call who will come immediately to get them.
8. Teach your teens that technology can open the door to predators and allow them access to personal information.

Warning signs of abuse: the abused teen may:

1. have nightmares and/or images in their head about the assault;
2. exhibit changes in eating patterns and experience weight gain or loss;
3. have bruising or physical injuries;
4. show changes in school performance or behavior;
5. pay less attention to hygiene, appearance, or clothing style;
6. show signs of depression, lack of energy, or changes in sleep;
7. drink or use drugs; and
8. engage in self-harm behaviors or have suicidal thoughts.

If you suspect your teen has been sexually or physically abused, remember not to overreact emotionally in front of your child. Let the child know you want to keep him or her safe—that it’s your job, and you want to do it. Take your concerns to a doctor, a social worker, or the police. You don’t have to know that your child is not safe, you just have to suspect it to seek out professional assistance. And of course, don’t leave your teen with any person they fear.

1. Ages Twelve and Older: What Your Adolescent Should Know: God invented sex; sex is normal; God approves of sex between husband and wife!; men and women attach to every person they have sex with; people who are not virgins are more likely to divorce than those who remain abstinent until marriage; sexually active adolescents are more likely to be depressed than adolescents who abstain; married couples report higher levels of sexual satisfaction than unmarried individuals with multiple partners; it’s never the girls “fault” when a male coerces them into sex; teen should not only be wisely vary of older teens & adults but also to stay together with friends in groups; one essential behavior: teenagers should never enter a public bathroom or go shopping on their own & never leave a store or other public place with a stranger; they should be alert when accepting beverages
2. Abuse by Authority Figure: The Mission Trip: grooming process: gain trust of potential victims; wants to create emotional bond with kids in which mentor/mentee relationship is blurred & secrets can be shared; example: cutting horse: separates animal outside of the herd; watch out for “wolf in sheep’s clothing” (Mt 7:15)
3. Abuse by Family/Trusted Friend: The Coach: children in sports particularly vulnerable to sexual abuse; coach can become surrogate parent; red flag: tries to be alone with athlete (e.g. private practice sessions); when taking child to doctor, at least one additional person should also be present (preferably you);
4. Abuse by Peer: Dating Violence: 10% teenagers physically abused by boyfriend/girlfriend; 1/5 women, 1/7 men experience rape, stalking, dating violence between 11-17; >1/3 teenagers have sent/posted sexually suggestive emails/text messages, teens are frequently coerced by intimate partner;
5. Abuse by Strangers: Malls and Other Public Places: 81% children abducted by non-family member are 12+; if teen is forced to go with someone, they should scream that they are being kidnapped (→ role play useful); follow “rule of threes”: your teen must stay with at least two other friends they know well; adults should ask adults for help (not teenagers → red flag!); trust your feelings; don’t fall for compliments;
6. Abuse Using Technology: Unsupervised Access to Technology-Apps: develop written contract with your teens about Internet use both at home and outside the home, specify unacceptable use and consequences; don’t allow your children to use chat rooms or video chat with strangers; watermark family photos, strip them from GPS data; know all your teen’s social media account names & passwords; teach them not to share passwords with anyone; red flag: child spends unusually long periods on the Internet

Recommended Resources

• DVD or online streaming video:
  • Reducing the Risk: A Child Sexual Abuse Awareness Program at https://www.churchlawandtax.com/training/
• Website:
  • The National Child Traumatic Stress Network at https://www.nctsn.org/
• Apps:
  • Kaspersky Safe Kids
  • TrueMotion Family Safe Driving
  • Life360 Family Locator
  • Safety for Kids
  • SPIN Safe Browser
• Publications:
  • The Safe Family Coloring Book
  • The Safe Touch Coloring Book
  • God Made Me: The Safe Touch Coloring Book, 2nd ed. (Dawson Parker Publishing, 2013)
  • The Hinge of Your History: The Phases of Faith
  • The Mona Lisa Mirror Mystery